Wednesday, 30 March 2011

rss fails

Having problems with rss fails. My blogs are pinged straight into google, but have not been updating rss feeds. Hoping I have fixed it. This is all there is for this. Once happy, I will delete.

Good night

Sunday, 27 March 2011

Earth Hour

So that was Earth Hour give or take a few minutes. Interestingly I was in Starbucks in the Emporium, Jakarta when this global event was happening. Starbucks clearly supported this event and out went the lights inside and a few went off outside in the mall as well although not that many.

For about 10 minutes the lights were switched off to give minimal lighting and then out came a member of staff to take the obligatory photos to prove that the employees had done their bit and then the light came back on to about 80% normal. Great PR but not really in the spirit of things!

Outside the Emporium walking up to Pasar Festival it was pretty much business as normal, it was a little darker, but not by much.
The taxi trip into Mampang highlighted very few dark parts of the city there and that was a shame as the city management could really do some good with this event if they could convince more organisations to switch the power off for an hour. 
Ironically and most amusing was a friend produced a letter from the governor himself, which was in some form of degree that all the power will be turned off in the city for an hour. Perhaps it was a ploy by PLN to distract us away from the rolling power outs last week. 
Surely Earthhour would be a good excuse to complete essential maintenance!!!! But it was good to see there was still a lot of fake news surrounding the event as normal. It was a success I must admit but there is always more that could be done, if people wanted it to be done.

Quite a fun weekend really, with a meeting that really was just for information purposes and did not really conclude with any actions. A trip into central park for some coffee and shoe buying with the fiancee and then to Aphrodites for beers and food with friends which really was a good thing to do. 

The weekend ended with the great idea of a trip to Carrefour as I fancied some good fresh bread and salad and well at the end of the day they can do that bit right.
So in I go knowing what ever happens something would annoy me. And so it did. In the busiest of aisles (noodles, packets and sauces) someone in their wisdom (or lack of it) decided to build a stage, place chairs erect a sound system and then have dancing dads on it. WTF are they thinking, after 16 years of food retail management, all this does is make people regret shopping there, frustrate and cause general unhappiness amongst the shoppers unless Indonesians think it is alright. Trying to buy a few things from that aisle and yes I really needed to buy some things was met by looks of disbelief from the happy sat mums, the sound technicians who were just in the way and well I don't care who else. I mean come on how desperate is Carrefour to allow these kind of things, where was the sensible management decision in that one. Unbelievable.
Then in the queue while I was being served, slowly but with some car by the cashier, a woman decided to push past everyone and tell the cashier that she needed to buy a few things and could she just take her money (she gave the cashier 50,000) and then would come back. I assume that was said. Again the cashier just said no and the woman looked in total shock at the fact that Carrefour how ever badly managed it is, actually was not a local street mart and had rules. She stomped off and the whole queue just burst into laughter at her manner and totally outrageous behaviour.
If only the hero in the apartments (now a giant) did good freshly baked bread, I would never go into a carrefour, but then if I never went in a Carrefour, I would never remember how much better everywhere else is for service and management decisions.

Seriously thinking of creating a blog just about my adventures in Carrefour! 

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Bits and Pieces

So I am still having issues with the rent and the cost of the apartment for the rest of the year and I have to let my landlady know what I will do in the near future. I guess I already know but stringing it out for a bit wont hurt, well that was the plan but as normal I have received the usual 'outstanding maintenance bill' from the apartment management and the threat of having the electricity and water cut off on Sunday if not all paid. Typical. So more contact tomorrow to get her to pay or whatever she will do to sort it out. Not even phased by it now, just another step along the way to mind. 

With the AC off and the balcony doors open it has been open season for things to fly in and visit me, mosquitoes  and the like have been dying once caught. The worst thing I forgot about is the amount of dust in the air and now I will have to dust everything again. Also I had forgot what a noisy place Jakarta is, what with the call to prayer rattling around the apartment blocks, Central Park turning up the volume for what ever they are doing, the noise from the almost finished apartments next to me and being currently under a flight path to somewhere makes for a noisy place. And the worst is the motorbikes and the custom noise exhausts that they have, far too loud and they should be banned and made illegal, if they are not already.

Not much else has been going on, really, a few trips to the malls and to do some shopping and  had to get the fiancee a new blackberry as her curve developed a fault and after some work researching the fault on the internet discovered that it was either unlikely to be fixed or would cost too much to get it fixed so we got her another one.
The fault that the Curve developed was due to the headphone socket being used a lot and this created a problem with making telephone calls and receiving them. when ever a call was being made or received the headset icon would flash and nothing could be heard. If the headset was plugged into the phone then you could make phone calls.
Blackberry repair center in Kalapa Gading said it was a hardware problem and that they could fix it, if we took it there. 
After a while you have to add up the cost of all this and we did and thats why she got a new one. Taxis there and back, plus time not having it and using / finding / borrowing another phone to use, cost of service with no guarantee of it being fixed then really is it worth it?

For me no, for others yes. 

I have also now found out finally how to blog via my BB and have the posts arrive in my blog, so thats great news also and once I get out and about I might just start blogging short entries of things as I see them, kind of like long tweets with social commentary!
It seems to be rather simple yet the instructions how to do it are a little harder than they should be, or I have worked out something else and its not mobile blogging, I really cant tell, but hey ho it works so thats that.

Went out into the city for some beer and food on Saturday, that was good, Aphrodites was quiet and the food is still good and the buy one get one free beer on a Saturday afternoon was also a good choice and still not that expensive, it gets more expensive as the night wears on and for a change it beats starbucks. I suspect this weekend I will be visiting somewhere else.

Time to change the old routine

Sunday, 20 March 2011

Mobile blogging Blackberry Indonesia

This is the first of many small notes from me now I have managed to work out mobile blogging in Indonesia. It has been written and sent through my blackberry.
I registered by sending an email to and then replied register through my netbook
I then received an email with a blog provided by and a code you can claim it with.
I clicked on the link to claim typed in the code and then selected the blog I wanted to use (jakarta news) and hey presto the word 'register' appeared as entry.
That's gone and this is the first mobile blog entry.
You need to send mobile entries as emails and then they will appear in your blog. The posts are not automatically tweeted or pushed elsewhere though so you will have to do that yourself.
I will see if I can find a fix apart from retweeting them myself.

Sent from my BlackBerry®
powered by Sinyal Kuat INDOSAT

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Tired out

I have not really blogged much about whats going here for the last couple of weeks, mainly because its hard to blog about getting up, going to work, coming home, going to sleep, getting up, going to work etc etc. But at the end of the day that is pretty much what has been happening.
There has been a lot of new faces at work and lots of new challenges and stuff to do which has been absorbing my time resulting in long days, something I thought I had moved away from. Now I am not complaining but it means that there is little time to much else.

I finally got the bike fixed and the they came to see me which was nice. 2 service men fixed the bike in a hour and it was running well and then on Sunday in the huge storm I had to go somewhere before another trip to the airport to pick up a new teacher, I was pushed off the road by big silver Mercedes into a Puddle. I am ok but the back part of the bike was dunked into the puddle and the water was over the height of the back wheel. I got it going again but it does not sound the same for now, maybe another tune up is needed. I should also look at a new chain as there is rust on it where it has been through too many floods. WD40 seems to have helped it so maybe I will spray some more on it.

The apartment has been a worry with the landlady demanding more but doing less and thats been a pain. After getting the AC serviced, re-gassed etc it stopped working. On the next engineers visit, a leak has been discovered and so it needs to be replaced or serviced. It is an old unit so that is not helping. I have decided to not have it fixed and want it removed, I can cope in the heat to be honest, I will buy an upright fan and deal with it. I need to sort my rent out and currently arguing about the cost of how much I should pay.
The apartment management in their wisdom decided to end sending utility bills now and instead will email or sms the amount. However they seemed to have forgotten to tell anyone so I had to get that sorted before they cut me off, which I did.

Also since the Oscars came and went in a little over 3 hours there is nothing but really bad movies on HBO. Chuck has disappeared for a while, Van damme is on all channels and the premieres are from movies I have not even heard of. Trans TV is making a good attempt at adding more movies but the adverts are getting in the way of the films and thats the same for Global.

I have not really been anywhere in the city as been too busy. I did watch the Kings Speech and was stunned how good a movie it really is so that was good.

On a good note there has been lots of days where the mountains can be seen from work and that is a nice thought that the air has been a little cleaner than normal but on other days you can still chew the air it is so thick. The recent storms have made the roads I ride on a little more bumpy and there are more holes appearing daily. I did comment that there seems to be less motorcycles belching smoke now a days which just leaves the metro minis, kopajas and the bajais and things will be better.

On Friday I watched streamed live into my office the tsunami and really did not grasp the size or scale of the unfolding live on TV news which was totally shocking and numbing to watch. However 5 days on I numb and have lost all understanding of what is happening and what has happened as it is news overload. The Libyan crisis continues but I never understood that at all but I think the news sites have over egged the disaster and made it harder to fully understand everything as they keep repeating the same news or making a small pieces of news big pieces of news without any substance. The BBC website has been doing that far too often. Yet Twitter and the sites I follow was giving a good level of news and reports with out the hype but that seems to be changing.
I am not sure what is more terrible, the loss of life in Japan or the potential risk of a meltdown. I guess you could argue that this is the first time the news has been able to cover such a disaster in so much detail and with the 'as it happens' coverage is also able to untangle what is important and what is not.
Still I can only hope things improve everything sorts itself out and soon and in the right way.

Thats it really and I am looking forward to some time off this weekend to recharge and relax.

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

English Language

I am sorry to report that I do not speak like Harry Potter nor do I use the Queens English all the time. I come from the southwest of England and so my accent and language is slighty worse than most. 
I can over pronounce the 'r' sound, the verb be is always used in the wrong form and it is more tonal and full of more sounds.
Its great.
I have some original language for you which is spoken rather than written. Lets see how you get on!!!

How be he?                                   Hello, how are you?
How be on?                                   Hello, how are you?
Off down yonder?                          I am off out
Whats on?                                     What is happening
Yer then, whats it?                        Excuse me, can you help?
tis farmers now...                          Its very cold out (only farmers would venture into this 
                                                    weather to milk their cows!)                                                 
Wheres ee?                                  Where is....
An er                                            Isn't it
wan ner                                        Won't you
An nus                                          Aren't we
What be on?                                 What is going on/what are you doing?
Bugger me!                                   Gosh and Darn

Now, here are some lyrics from a west country band called the Wurzles.


Where be it Blackbird to? I know where he be,
He be up yon Wurzel tree, And I be after he!
Now I sees he, And he sees I,
Bugger’d if I don’t get ‘en
Wit a girt big stick I’ll knock ‘im down
Blackbird I’ll ‘ave he!
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
‘Ow’s ‘E Father?

All me life I’m on the farm, Workin’ for me keep
Tendin’ pigs and chickens, and they cows and sheep
But everywhere I’m workin’, there’s one who always mocks me
He hidin' somewhere in the trees, blackbird I’ll ‘ave he!


Where be it Blackbird to? I know where he be,
He be up yon Wurzel tree, And I be after he!
Now I sees he, And he sees I,
Bugger’d if I don’t get ‘en
Wit a girt big stick I’ll knock ‘im down
Blackbird I’ll ‘ave he!
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
‘Ow’s ‘E Father?


Underneath the open sky in spring we loves to dine
We likes to ‘ear the flappin’ of the missus washin’ line
We listens to a tuneful song, a blackbird or a tit,
But on me vest and underpants he scored a direct hit!


Where be it Blackbird to? I know where he be,
He be up yon Wurzel tree, And I be after he!
Now I sees he, And he sees I,
Bugger’d if I don’t get ‘en
Wit a girt big stick I’ll knock ‘im down
Blackbird I’ll ‘ave he!
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
‘Ow’s ‘E Father?

If I goes out poachin’, a creepin’ through the fields,
With me old retriever, a followin’ at me heels.
If I aim me shotgun at a pheasant in the hay
That bloody blackbird starts his row and frightens him away!


Where be it Blackbird to? I know where he be,
He be up yon Wurzel tree, And I be after he!
Now I sees he, And he sees I,
Bugger’d if I don’t get ‘en
Wit a girt big stick I’ll knock ‘im down
Blackbird I’ll ‘ave he!
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
‘Ow’s ‘E Father?

No longer can I sleep at night, get peace of any kind,
That bird’ll be the death of me, he’s prayin’ on me mind!
If I chase him long enough, I’ll get ‘en by and by,
And celebrate me vict’ry with a girt big blackbird pie!


Where be it Blackbird to? I know where he be,
He be up yon Wurzel tree, And I be after he!
Now I sees he, And he sees I,
Bugger’d if I don’t get ‘en
Wit a girt big stick I’ll knock ‘im down
Blackbird I’ll ‘ave he!
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
‘Ow’s ‘E Father?


Thursday, 10 March 2011

English slang again

Found this and felt that this too should be in a blog, I can only hope that you embrace the richness of the English language and start using it in your daily lives....

absobloodylootely: absolutely
after: bars open after normal closing time
all over the gaff: unorganized
arse: butt
arse-over-tit: drunk
ballistic: wild
bangers: sausages
barmy: crazy
behave: more! (Think Austin Powers.)
bob: shilling
blimey!: Oh geez!
bloke: a male
bobby: policeman
brilliant!: great! awesome!
cabbage: a slow person
cack: crap (What a load of cack, mate!)
cakehole: mouth (Shut your cakehole!)
Charlie: crack, cocaine
chips: french fries
chunder: to throw up
ciggy: cigarette
claret: blood (They were copping it up, claret all over the place!)
cop a feel: to feel someone up
to cop it: to get in trouble
copper: policeman
Crikey!: My God!
damage: cost
Dicky: feeling unwell
doddle: something easy (It was a doddle to get the Charlie.)
dodgy: shady
done over: beat up (He was done over by that bloke.)
Doris: a plain woman
dosh: money
duck and dive: to run from the police
earner: a dishonest laborer
eppy: a fit
faced: drunk
five finger discount: shoplifting
flim-flam: crap (Cut out this flim-flam, you wanker!)
flippin: freakin'
folding: paper pound-notes
For crying out loud!: For God's sake!
Frenchy: a french kiss
full monty: the entire take, all that is desired
funny farm: a mental institution
gab: to talk a lot
gander: to look at
geezer: an old man
get the nod: to get permission
git: an unlikeable person
gob: mouth
goppin': gross
greaser: a 50's style person, usually a man
grub: food
gutted: choked up (He was gutted at the funeral, mate.)
hacked off: annoyed (He was really hacked off at that copper.)
having it off: a term for intercourse
headcase: a nutcase
hold it down: keep the noise down, control yourself
hooter: nose
ickle: small, tiny (I like that an ickle bit, mate.)
iffy: doubting, doubtful
in stook: in financial trouble (Your uncle's in stook, mate.)
inside: imprisoned (Barry's inside again.)
jammy: lucky
jar: a pint of beer
jock: a Scottish man
jugs: breasts
juiced up: very drunk
kick it off: start something, a fight with another Brit perhaps
kip: sleep (I need some kip, mate.)
knackered: tired
knock-up: to wake someone up
lairy: loud, brash
larging it: to live large
lip: smart talk
loaded: very rich
lock-in: a term for late-hours in a pub
lolly: money
lost the plot: gone mad (That nutter's completely lost the plot!)
malarkey: stuff and nonsense (What a load of malarkey!)
mate: address for a friend
mental: crazy
miffed: fed up
minger: an unattractive girl
mint: great condition (That's mint, mate.)
mitts: hands
monkey: 500 pounds
moose: an ugly girl
mullered: drunk
munch: food (Time for munch, mate!)
naff: nasty, in poor taste (That's naff!)
nipper: a small child
nosh: food
nugget: a pound coin
nutter: a crazy person
offie: a place where off-license alcohol is sold
off your face: very drunk
out of the tree: nuts
parky: chilly (Parky weather today.)
plank, a fool
ponce: a slacker
ramped: drunk
rat-arsed: drunk
readies: cash on hand (Have any readies? I'm all out.)
ruck: a fight
rug: wig
salt: a loose woman
scrounge: to begg food, materials
shafted: screwed, betrayed
shag: sexual intercourse
shell-like: ear (Can I have a word in your shell-like?)
skirt: a young woman
snog: a french kiss
squire: a term for a working man
sussed out: figured out
tanked: drunk
toerag: a tramp
tom: a prostitute
tooled: drunk
top!: wonderful
trainspotter: a nerd, geek
trots: an upset stomach
up for it: enthusiastically available
up the duff: pregnant
wank: to masturbate
wedge: money
wind up: to tease

English Slang

Well take a  butchers at this lot and see if you can sort it all out. It wont be easy if you dont understand the English lingo and only know American, but the majority of the words and phrases below are what we speak like back in merry old England.

Have a gander through it and see if it makes any sense me old muckers! 

Ace - If something is ace it is brilliant. I used to hear it a lot in Liverpool. Kids thought all cool stuff was ace, or brill.

Aggro - Short for aggravation, it's the sort of thing you might expect at a football match. In other words - trouble! There is sometimes aggro in the cities after the pubs shut!

All right? - This is used a lot around London and the south to mean, "Hello, how are you"? You would say it to a complete stranger or someone you knew. The normal response would be for them to say "All right"? back to you. It is said as a question. Sometimes it might get expanded to "all right mate"? Mostly used by blue collar workers but also common among younger people.

Anti-clockwise - The first time I said that something had gone anti-clockwise to someone in Texas I got this very funny look. It simply means counter-clockwise but must sound really strange to you chaps! I think he thought I had something against clocks!

Any road - Up north (where they talk funny!!) instead of saying anyway, they say "any road"! Weird huh?

Arse - This is a word that doesn't seem to exist in America. It basically means the same as ass, but is much ruder. It is used in phrases like "pain in the arse" (a nuisance) or I "can't be arsed" (I can't be bothered) or you might hear something was "a half arsed attempt" meaning that it was not done properly.

Arse about face - This means you are doing something back to front.

Arse over elbow - This is another way of saying head over heels but is a little more descriptive. Usually happens after 11pm on a Saturday night and too many lagers! Some Americans say ass over teakettle apparently!

Arse over tit - Another version of arse over elbow, but a bit more graphic!

Arsehole - Asshole to you. Not a nice word in either language.
Arseholed - Drunk! Usually in the advanced stages of drunken stupor, someone would be considered "completely arseholed". Never me, of course!

As well - You chaps say also when we would say "too" or "as well". For instance if my friend ordered a Miller Lite, I would say "I'll have one as well". I often heard people saying something like "I'll have one also". Of course in England you wouldn't say it at all for fear of embarrassment! You'd order a pint of lager instead!

Ass - Your backside, but mostly a donkey!

Au fait - Another one of those French expressions that have slipped into the English language. This one means to be familiar with something. I'd say at the end of reading all this you'd be au fait with the differences between American and English!

Baccy - Tobacco. The sort you use to roll your own.

Bang - Nothing to do with your hair - this is a rather unattractive way of describing having sex. Always gets a smile from Brits in American hair dressers when they are asked about their bangs.

Barmy - If someone tells you that you're barmy they mean you have gone mad orcrazy. For example you'd have to be barmy to visit England without trying black pudding!

Beastly - You would call something or somebody beastly if they were really nasty orunpleasant. Most people would consider you a snob or an upper class git if you used this word. People like Fergie can get away with it though.

Bees Knees - This is the polite version of the dog's bollocks. So if you are in polite company and want to say that something was fabulous, this phrase might come in handy.

Belt up - For some reason I heard this quite a lot as a kid. It's the British for shut up.

Bender - I used to go out on a bender quite frequently when I was at university. Luckily bender doesn't only mean a gay man, it also means a pub crawl or a heavy drinking session. The sort of bender I went out on was the second kind. Obviously!

Bespoke - We say something is bespoke if it has been created especially for someone, in the same way that you say custom. For example a computer program might be bespoken for a client, or you may order a bespoke holiday, where the travel agent creates an itinerary around your exact requirements.

Best of British - If someone says "The best of British to you" when you are visiting the UK, it simply means good luck. It is short for "best of British luck".

Biggie - This is unusual. A biggie is what a child calls his poo! Hence the reason Wendy's Hamburgers has never really taken off in England - who would buy "biggie fries"? Yuck - I'm sure you wouldn't buy poo fries! The other meaning of Biggie iserection. It just gets worse!

Bite your arm off - This is not aggressive behaviour that a football fan might engage in. In fact it just means that someone is over excited to get something. For instance you might say that kids would bite your arm off for an ice cream on a sunny day.

Bladdered - This rather ugly expression is another way of saying you are drunk. The link is fairly apparent I feel!

Blast - An exclamation of surprise. You may also hear someone shout "blast it", or even "bugger and blast"!

Blatant - We use this word a lot to mean something is really obvious.

Bleeding - An alternative to the word bloody. You'll hear people say "bleeding hell" or "not bleeding likely" for example.

Blimey - Another exclamation of surprise. My Dad used to say "Gawd Blimey" or "Gor Blimey" or even "Cor Blimey". It is all a corruption of the oath God Blind Me.

Blinding - If something is a blinding success - it does not mean that any eyes were poked out with sharp sticks - it means it was fantastic.

Blinkered - Someone who is blinkered is narrow minded or narrow sighted - they only see one view on a subject. It comes from when horses that pulled carriages wore blinkers to stop them seeing to the side or behind them which stopped them from being startled and only let them see where they were going.

Bloody - One of the most useful swear words in English. Mostly used as an exclamation of surprise i.e. "bloody hell" or "bloody nora". Something may be "bloody marvellous" or "bloody awful". It is also used to emphasise almost anything, "you're bloody mad", "not bloody likely" and can also be used in the middle of other words to emphasise them. E.g. "Abso-bloody-lutely"! Americans should avoid saying "bloody" as they sound silly.

Blooming - Another alternative to the word bloody. You might hear someone say "not blooming likely" so that they don't have to swear
Blow me - When an English colleague of mine exclaimed "Blow Me" in front of a large American audience, he brought the house down. It is simply an exclamation of surprise, short for "Blow me down", meaning something like I am so surprised you could knock me over just by blowing. Similar to "Well knock me down with a feather". It is not a request for services to be performed.

Blow off - Who blew off? Means who farted? Constant source of amusement to us Brits when you guys talk about blowing people off. Conjours up all sort of bizarre images!

Blunt - If a saw or a knife is not sharp we say it is blunt. It is also the way most of us speak! In America the knife would be dull.

Bob's your uncle - This is a well used phrase. It is added to the end of sentences a bit like and that's it! For example if you are telling someone how to make that fabulous banoffee pie you just served them, you would tell them to boil the condensed milk for three hours, spread it onto a basic cheesecake base, slice bananas on top, add some whipped double cream, another layer of banana and Bob's your uncle!

Bodge - We bodge things all the time here. I'm sure you do too! To do a bodge job means to do a quick and dirty. Make it look good for the next day or two and if it falls down after that - hey well we only bodged it! Applies to building, DIY, programming and most other things.

Bogey - Booger. Any variety, crusty dragons included!

Bollocks - This is a great English word with many excellent uses. Technically speaking it means testicles but is typically used to describe something that is no good (that's bollocks) or that someone is talking rubbish (he's talking bollocks). Surprisingly it is also used in a positive manner to describe something that is the best, in which case you would describe it as being "the dog's bollocks". Englishmen who live in America take great delight in ordering specialised registration plates for their cars using the letters B.O.L.L.O.X. Good eh?

Bomb - If something costs a bomb it means that it is really expensive. We say it when we see the price of insurance in the US, you could try saying it when you see how much jeans or petrol cost over here!
Bomb - If something goes like a bomb it means it is going really well or really fast. Or you could say an event went down like a bomb and it would mean that the people really enjoyed it. In the US the meaning would be almost exactly the reverse.

Bonk - Same meaning as shag. Means to have sex. E.g. "Did you bonk him/her?".

Botch - There are two expressions here - to botch something up or to do a botch job. They both mean that the work done was not of a high standard or was a clumsy patch. My Dad used to always tell me that workmen had botched it up and that he should have done the work properly himself.

Bottle - Something you have after twenty pints of lager and the curry. A lotta bottle! This means courage. If you have a lotta bottle you have no fear.

Box your ears - Many young chaps heard their dads threaten to box their ears when I was a littlun. Generally meant a slap around the head for misbehaving. Probably illegal these days!!

Brassed off - If you are brassed off with something or someone, you are fed up.Pissed off perhaps.

Brill - Short for "brilliant". Used by kids to mean cool.

Budge up - If you want to sit down and someone is taking up too much space, you'd ask them to budge up - move and make some space.

Bugger - This is another fairly unique word with no real American equivalent. Likebloody it has many uses apart from the obvious dictionary one pertaining to rather unusual sexual habits. My father was always shouting "bugger" when he was working in the garage or garden. Usually when he hit his thumb or dropped a nail or lost something. Today we might use the sh** or the f*** words but bugger is still as common. The fuller version of this would be "bugger it". It can also be used to tell someone to get lost (bugger off), or to admit defeat (we're buggered) or if you were tired or exhausted you would be buggered. You can also call someone a bugger. When I won £10 on the lottery my mate called me a "lucky bugger".

Bugger all - If something costs bugger all, it means that it costs nothing. Meaning it is cheap. If you have bugger all, it means you have nothing.

Bum - This is the part of your body you sit on. Your ass! It might also be someone who is down and out, like a tramp. You might also bum around, if you are doing nothing in particular, just hanging out. Finally to bum something means to scrounge it from someone.

Bung - To bung something means to throw it. For example a street trader might bung something in for free if you pay cash right now! Or you could say "bung my car keys over, mate".

Bung - A bung is also a bribe.

Butchers - To have a butchers at something is to have a look. This is a cockney rhyming slang word that has become common. The reason "butchers" means a lookeven though it doesn't rhyme is because it is short for "butchers hook" and "hook" of course, does rhyme.

C of E - The Church of England. Our official protestant church - of which the Queen is the head.

Camp - Someone who displays effeminate or gay behaviour is somewhat camp. And to "camp it up" would be to dress in drag.

Chat up - To chat someone up is to try and pick them up. If you spotted a scrummygirly in a bar you might try to chat her up. Or a girl might try and chat up a chap!

Cheeky - "Eee you cheeky monkey" was what my mother said to me all the time when I was a kid. Cheeky means you are flippant, have too much lip or are a bit of a smart arse! Generally you are considered to be a bit cheeky if you have an answer for everything and always have the last word. My licence plate on my MX5 (Miata in American) was CHEEKY, which most Texans thought was something to do with bottoms - wrong!!

Cheerio - Not a breakfast cereal. Just a friendly way of saying goodbye. Or in the north "tara" which is pronounced sort of like "churar".

Cheers - This word is obviously used when drinking with friends. However, it also has other colloquial meanings. For example when saying goodbye you could say "cheers", or "cheers then". It also means thank you. Americans could use it in English pubs, but should avoid the other situations as it sounds wrong with an American accent. Sorry!

Cheesed off - This is a polite way of saying you are pissed off with something.

Chin Wag - This is another word for a Chat. You can probably tell why!

Chinese Whispers - This a good one. It refers to the way a story gets changed as is passes from one person to the next so that the end result may be completely different from what was originally said. Sound familiar?

Chivvy along - When I'm standing patiently in the checkout queue at Tesco I like to chivvy along the old ladies in front of me. If only they would stop fannying around andhurry up!

Chuffed - You would be chuffed to bits if you were really pleased about something.

Clear off! - This expression brings back memories of being a kid and stealing apples from people's gardens. Sometimes we would get caught and some old bloke would come out and shout "oi clear off you lot". It basically means get lost.

Cobblers - I have heard people say "what a load of cobblers" more than once. Maybe that's because I talk so much rubbish. An equivalent would be what a load of bollocks. It means you are talking out of your butt and has nothing to do with any kind of dessert! Derived from the cockney rhyming slang where Cobblers Awls = Balls!

Cock up - A cock up means you have made a mistake. It has nothing to do with parts of the male body.

Cockney rhyming slang - There are lots of words that make up cockney rhyming slang. These are basically rhyming words like "butchers hook" which means "look". If you are in London and you hear someone talk about a Septic they are probably talking about you - because it's short for "Septic tank" which equals "yank", which is our word for an American. How do you like that!

Codswallop - Another one I heard a lot as a kid - usually when I was making up excuses for how the window got broken or why my dinner was found behind the sofa. My Dad would tell me I was talking a load of codswallop. American kids might be talking baloney under the same circumstances.

Cor - You'll often hear a Brit say "cor"! It is another one of those expressions of surprise that we seem to have so many of. It will sometimes be lengthened to "cor blimey" or "cor love a duck", depending on where you are. "Cor blimey" is a variation of "Gawd Blimey" or "Gor Blimey". They are all a corruption of the oath "God Blind Me".

Cracking - If something is cracking, it means it is the best. Usually said without pronouncing the last "G". If a girl is cracking it means she is stunning.

Cram - Before a big exam you would be expected to cram. This simply means to study hard in the period running up to the exam.

Crap - The same word in both countries - but less rude here. I loved watching Brits being interviewed on US chat shows and embarrassing the interviewer when they said something was "total crap".

Crikey - Another exclamation of surprise. Some people say "Crikey Moses".

Crusty dragon - A booger. One of the really crispy ones.

Daft - My Dad used to call me a daft 'apeth which is short for a daft half penny (in old money). It basically means stupid.

Dekko - To have a look at something.

Dear - If something is dear it means it is expensive. I thought Texan insurance was dear.

Dicky - Dicky rhymes with sicky and means you feel sick.

Diddle - To rip someone off or to con someone is to diddle them. When you visit England, check your change to make sure you haven't been diddled!

Dim - A dim person is stupid or thick or a dimwitDimwit - Someone a bit on the dim side.

Dishy - If someone is a bit of a dish or a bit dishy it means they are attractive orgood looking.

DIY - This is short for do it yourself and applies not just to the DIY stores but also to anything that you need to do yourself. For example, if we get really bad service in a restaurant (oh, you noticed!) then we might ask the waiter if it is a DIY restaurant - just to wind them up.

Do - A party. You would go to a do if you were going to a party in the UK.

Do - If you go into a shop and say "do you do batteries?" it means "do you sellbatteries".

Do - If you drive along a motorway in the wrong lane the police will do you. You could then tell your friends that you have been done by the police. Prosecute is another word for it!

Doddle - Something that is a doddle is a cinch, it's easy. Unlike ordering water in Texas with an English accent, which is definitely not a doddle!

Dodgy - If someone or something is a bit dodgy, it is not to be trusted. Dodgy food should be thrown away at home, or sent back in a restaurant. Dodgy people are best avoided. You never know what they are up to. Dodgy goods may have been nicked. When visiting Miami I was advised by some English chums that certain areas were a bit dodgy and should be avoided!

Dog's bollocks - You would say that something really fantastic was the dog's bollocks. Comes from the fact that a dog's bollocks are so fantastic that he can't stop licking them! Nice huh? Often shortened to just "The dog's".

Dog's dinner - If you make a real mess of something it might be described as a real dog's dinner. A bit like some joint Anglo-American approaches to Eastern Europe for example!

Donkey's years - Someone said to me the other day that they hadn't seen me for donkey's years. It means they hadn't seen me for ages.

Drop a clanger - When I asked a large lady on the tube if she would like my seat since she was so obviously pregnant, she took the seat then told me she was fat, not pregnant! Boy did I drop a clanger. You might make a gaffe. Either way it was horrendously embarrassing, especially as half the people on the tube had heard me!

Duck - In and around Leeds you will find older people might call you "duck" in the same way that they might call you "love" or "dear" in other places. Usually pronounced more like "dook", which rhymes with "book".

Duff - Anything that is duff is useless, junk, trash. It usually means that the object doesn't do the job it was intended for. Our last Prime Minister was pretty duff!

Duffer - Any person that is duff could be referred to as a duffer. The Prime Minister was a duffer.

Dull - You would say something that was no longer sharp was dull. We would say blunt. To us something is dull if it is boring. It can apply to things - like a film could be dull. It also applies to people - I can think of several people who are dull!

Easy Peasy - A childish term for something very easy. You might say it's a snap.

Engaged - When you ring someone and they are already on the phone you will get the engaged tone. In other words, they will be engaged. You would say you get the busysignal or the line is busy.

Excuse me - This is a great one! It's what kids are taught to say when they belch in public. We are also taught to say "pardon me" if we fart out loud. Unfortunately in American "excuse me" means you are encroaching in someone's personal space and you say "pardon me" when you don't hear someone properly. Imagine our surprise when we discovered that actually Americans are not belching and farting all the time.

Faff - To faff is to dither or to fanny around. If we procrastinated when getting ready for bed, as kids, our Dad use tell us we were faffing around.
Fagged - If you are too lazy or tired to do something you could say "I can't be fagged". It means you can't be Bothered.

Fagging - Fagging is the practice of making new boys at boarding schools into slaves for the older boys. If you are fagging for an older boy you might find yourself running his bath, cleaning his shoes or performing more undesirable tasks.

Fancy - If you fancy something then it means you desire it. There are two basic forms in common use - food and people. If you fancy a cake for example it means you like the look of it and you want to eat it. If you see someone of (hopefully) the opposite sex then you might fancy them if you liked the look of them and wanted to get to know them a little better!!!

Fanny - This is the word for a woman's front bits! One doesn't normally talk about anyone's fanny as it is a bit rude. You certainly don't have a fanny pack, or smack people on their fannys - you would get arrested for that! Careful use of this word in the UK is advised!

Fanny around - I'm always telling people to stop fannying around and get on with it. It means to procrastinate. Drives me mad!

Fiddle sticks - I have an old Aunt who is much too well mannered to swear. So when the need arises for a swear word, she will substitute "fiddle sticks".

Filch - To filch is to steal or pilfer. The origin is apparently unknown.

Fit - Fit is a word that I have heard a lot recently - it seems to be making a comeback. A fit bird means a girl who is pretty good looking or tasty! A fit bloke would be the male equivalent.

Flog - To Flog something is to sell it. It also means to beat something with a whip, but when your wife tells you she flogged the old TV it is more likely she has sold it than beaten it (hopefully!).

Fluke - If something great happened to you by chance that would be a fluke. When I was a kid my Mum lost her engagement ring on the beach and only realised half way home. We went back to the spot and she found it in the sand. That was a fluke.

Flutter - I like to have a flutter on the horses. It means to have a bet, usually a small one by someone who is not a serious gambler.

Fortnight - Two weeks. Comes from an abbreviation of "fourteen nights". Hence terms like "I'm off for a fortnights holiday" meaning "I am going on a two week vacation".

Fruity - If someone is feeling fruity then they are feeling frisky. Watch out!

Full monty - Since the movie has come out of the same name I have heard some odd Texan descriptions of what the full monty means. It really has nothing to do with taking your clothes off. It just means the whole thing or going the whole way. That's it. Clearly when applied to stripping it means not stopping at your underwear! The origins of the expression are still under discussion. There are many theories but no conclusive evidence at the moment.

Full of beans - This means to have loads of energy. It is a polite way of saying that a child is a maniac. I was often described as being full of beans as a kid and now it is my wife's way of telling me to keep still when she is trying to get to sleep. Strangely the same expression in some parts of the US means that you are exaggerating or talkingbollocks!

Gagging - Desperate, in a fat slaggy kind of a way. Not nice.

Gallivanting - The dictionary says "to gad about", which probably doesn't help much! It means fooling around or horseplay.

Gander - When I was a kid, my Dad often used to go off for a gander when we were visiting a new town or village. It means to look around.

Gen - Gen means information. If you have the gen then you know what is going on.

Gen up - To research a subject or to get some information.

Get lost! - Politely translated as go away, this is really a mild way of telling someone to f*** off!

Get stuffed! - Even politer way to tell someone to get lost is to tell them to get stuffed. However, this is still not a nice thing to say to someone.

Getting off - This seems to be the objective of most teenagers on a big night out. Getting off with someone means making out or snoggingh them.

Give us a bell - This simply means call me. You often hear people use the word "us" to mean "me".

Gobsmacked - Amazed. Your gob is your mouth and if you smack your gob, it would be out of amazement.

Good value - This is short for good value for money. It means something is a good deal.

Goolies - If you have been kicked in the goolies, your eyes would be watering and you would be clutching your balls!

Gormless - A gormless person is someone who has absolutely no clue. You would sayclueless. It is also shortened so you could say someone is a total gorm or completely gormy.

Grem - The form of gob meaning to spit something out. e.g. Did you see him grem? Yuck. Usually associated with that ghastly noise as the content of the lungs are coughed into the mouth before gremming can take place. Grem is also the word that describes the green lump that is created in the process. You might call it hacking up ahacker.

Grub - Food. Similar to nosh. I remember my Dad calling "grub's up", when dinner was ready as a kid. A grub is also an insect larva. Not usually eaten in England. Actually is available in some Australian restaurants!

Gutted - If someone is really upset by something they might say that they were gutted. Like when you are told that you have just failed your driving test!

Haggle - To haggle is to argue or negotiate over a price. Most people that wangle stuff are usually quite good at haggling. I just learnt that in the USA you dicker over a price, particularly for used cars!

Hanky panky - Hanky panky - or "slap and tickle" as some older folks call it - would bemaking out in America.

Hard - After your 20 pints of lager, the curry or the doner, your average 20 year old feels hard. Since his male organ has no chance of working at this stage, hard clearly refers to something else - it means he is ready to fight anything or anybody or to take on any bet. This is the time to make fun of drunken lads by betting them they can't jump off the end of the pier, hang on to the back of a bus etc.

Hard lines - This is another way of saying hard luck or bad luck.

Hash - The thing you call a pound sign! Before you ask, yes it is also something you smoke - see wacky backy. Also to make a real hash of something means you reallyscrewed it up.

Have - This one used to wind me up a treat in Texas. When we were in restaurants with friends, they would say to the waiter something like "Can I get a refill". And the waiter would go and get them a refill. No no no - that's completely wrong. It's "Can I HAVE a refill". Not GET! If you say "Can I GET a refill" in the UK, the waiter will give you a funny look and tell you where to go and GET it - yourself!

Healthy - Healthful. I'm not really sure if this is slang or whether the American use of healthful is the real alternative to the English "healthy". We talk about a healthy lifestyle and about healthy food. I never heard anyone say smoking was "unhealthful" in the US but I suppose that must exist too!

Her Majesty's pleasure - When visiting England, try to avoid being detained at Her Majesty's pleasure. This means being put in prison with no release date!

Hiya - Short for hi there, this is a friendly way of saying hello.

Honking - Honking is being sick or throwing up. Presumably this is a problem in New York where there are signs on the streets that say "No Honking".

Horses for courses - This is a common saying that means each to his own. What suits one person might be horrible for someone else. If my Dad was trying to understand why my brother had wanted to get his ear pierced he might say "Oh well, it's horses for courses I suppose"!

How's your father? - This is a very old term for sex which plays on our apparent British sensitivity. Rather than saying the actual "sex" word you could refer to having a bit of How's your Father, instead - nudge, nudge, wink, wink. The sort of old fashioned saying dragged up by Austin Powers.

Hump - If you have got the hump it means you are in a mood. If you are having a hump, it means you are having sex. Care is advised when you try using these words for the first time. It could be embarrassing!

Hunky-dory - My English dictionary tells me that hunky-dory means excellent. We would generally use it to mean that everything is cool and groovy, on plan, no worries and generally going well.

I'm easy - This expression means I don't care or it's all the same to me. Not to be confused with how easy it is to lure the person into bed!

Irony/sarcasm - The cornerstones of British humour. This is one of the biggest differences between the nations. The sense of humour simply doesn't translate too well.

Jammy - If you are really lucky or flukey, you are also very jammy. It would be quite acceptable to call your friend a jammy b****rd if they won the lottery.

Jimmy - Actually short for Jimmy Riddle. i.e. I'm off for a Jimmy Riddle. This is Cockney rhyming slang for piddle!

John Thomas - Yet another word for a blokes willy! I always felt a bit sorry for people who were actually called John Thomas. What were their parents thinking?

Jolly - You hear people use this in all sorts of ways, but basically it means very. So "jolly good" would mean very good. A common exception is where you hear people say "I should jolly well think so!" which is more to emphasise the point.

Keep your pecker up - This is one way of saying keep your chin up. Use with caution as in some places your pecker is also your willy!

Khazi - Another word for the toilet. Our version of your bathroom.

Kip - A short sleep, forty winks, or a snooze. You have a kip in front of the telly on a Sunday afternoon.

Knackered - The morning after twenty pints and the curry, you'd probably feel knackered. Another way to describe it is to say you feel shagged. Basically worn out, good for nothing, tired out, knackered.

Knees up - If you're having a knees up, you're going to a dance or party.

Knob - Yet another word for your willy.

Knock off - To knock something off is to steal it, not to copy it!

Knock up - This means to wake someone up. Although it seems to have an altogether different meaning in the USA! At one time, in England, a chap was employed to go round the streets to wake the workers up in time to get to work. He knew where everyone lived and tapped on the bedroom windows with a long stick, and was known as a "knocker up". He also turned off the gas street lights on his rounds. Another meaning of this phrase, that is more common these days, is to make something out of odds and ends. For example my Dad knocked up a tree house for us from some planks of wood he had in the garage, or you might knock up a meal from whatever you have hanging around in the fridge.

Knockers - Another word for breasts.

Knuckle sandwich - If somebody offers you a knuckle sandwich you'd be best to decline the offer and leave at the next convenient moment. It isn't some British culinary delight - they're about to thump you in the face.

Leg it - This is a way of saying run or run for it. Usually said by kids having just been caught doing something naughty. Well it was when I was a kid!

Left, right and centre - If you have been looking left, right and centre, it means you have been searching all over.

Love bite - You call them hickies - the things you do to yourself as a youngster with the vacuum cleaner attachment to make it look like someone fancies you!

Lurgy - If you have the lurgy it means you are ill, you have the Flu. Don't go near people with the lurgy in case you get it!

Luvvly-jubbly - Clearly another way of saying lovely. Made famous by the TV show Only Fools and Horses.

-ly - These are two letters that seem to be left off words in America. I never heard anyone say something was "really nice" or "really cool", they would say real nice andreal cool. We would be sent to the back of the class for grammar like that!

Mate - Most chaps like to go to the pub with their mates. Mate means friend or chum.

Momentarily - As you come into land at an American airport and the announcement says that you will be landing momentarily, look around to see if anyone is sniggering. That will be the Brits! I never did figure out why they say this. Momentarily to us means that something will only happen for an instant - a very short space of time. So if the plane lands momentarily will there be enough time for anyone to get off? Weird!

Morish - Also spelt "moreish", this word is used to describe desserts in my house, when a single helping is simply not enough. You need more! It applies to anything - not just desserts.

Mufti - An old army term for your "civvies". Civilian clothes that is, rather than your uniform.

Mug - If someone is a bit of a mug, it means they are gullible. Most used car salesmen rely on a mug to show up so they can sell something!

Mush - Rhymes with "push". Slang word for your mouth as in "shut your mush". Also means mate as in "Alright mush?. Which means "Hi"!

Mutt's nuts - If something is described as being "the Mutt's" then you'll know it isfantastic or excellent. "The Mutt's" is short for "The Mutt's nuts" which is clearly another way of saying the "Dog's Bollocks"! All clear now?

Naff - If something is naff, it is basically uncool. Anoraks are naff, salad cream is also naff. You could also use it to tell someone to naff off, which is a politer way of telling them to f*** off!

Nancy boy - If someone is being pathetic you would call them a nancy or a nancy boy. It is the opposite of being hard. For example in cold weather a nancy boy would dress up in a coat, hat, gloves and scarf and a hard guy would wear a t-shirt. It's also another word for a gay man.

Nark - If someone is in a nark, it means they are in a bad mood, or being grumpy. It's also the word for a spy or informant. For example a coppers nark is someone who is a police informant - which you might call a stoolie or stool-pigeon. The origin is from the Romany word, nak, meaning "nose".

Narked - In the UK you would say that someone looked narked if you thought they were in a bad mood. In the US you might say that someone was pissed. We definitely would not say that, as it would mean they were drunk!

Nesh - My Dad used to call me a nesh wimp when I was a kid and I wanted him to take me places in his car because it was too cold to go on my bike. He meant I was beingpathetic or a bit of a nancy boy. He might have had a point!

Nice one! - If someone does something particularly impressive you might say "nice one"! to them. It is close the Texan good job that you hear all the time.

Nick - To nick is to steal. If you nick something you might well get nicked.

Nicked - Something that has been stolen has been nicked. Also, when a copper catches a burglar red handed he might say "you've been nicked"!

Nitwit - See twit.

Nookie - Nookie is the same as hanky panky. Something you do with your bird!

Nosh - Food. You would refer to food as nosh or you might be going out for a good nosh up, or meal! Either way if someone has just cooked you some nosh you might want to call it something else as it is not the nicest word to describe it.

Not my cup of tea - This is a common saying that means something is not to your liking. For example if someone asked you if you would like to go to an all night rave, they would know exactly what you meant if you told them it was not exactly your cup of tea!

Nowt - This is Yorkshire for nothing. Similarly owt is Yorkshire for anything. Hence the expression "you don't get owt for nowt". Roughly translated as "you never get anything for nothing" or "there's no such thing as a free lunch".

Nut - To nut someone is to head butt them. Nutting is particularly useful when at a football match.

Off colour - If someone said you were off colour they would mean that you look paleand ill! Not quite the same as something being off colour in the US!

Off your trolley - If someone tells you that you're off your trolley, it means you have gone raving bonkers, crazymad!

On about - What are you on about? That's something you may well hear when visiting the UK. It means what are you talking about?

On the job - If you are on the job, it could mean that you are hard at work, or having sex. Usually the context helps you decide which it is!
On the piss - If you are out on the piss, it means you are out to get drunk, or to getpissed.

On your bike - A very polite way of telling someone to f*** off.

One off - A one off is a special or a one time event that is never to be repeated. Like writing this book!

Owt - This is Yorkshire for anything. Similarly nowt is Yorkshire for nothing. Hence the expression "you don't get owt for nowt". Roughly translated as "you never get anything for nothing" or "there's no such thing as a free lunch".

Pants - This is quite a new expression - I have no idea where it came from. Anyway, it is now quite trendy to say that something which is total crap is "pants". For instance you could say the last episode of a TV show was "total pants".

Pardon me - This is very amusing for Brits in America. Most kids are taught to say "pardon me" if they fart in public or at the table etc. In America it has other meanings which take us Brits a while to figure out. I thought I was surrounded by people with flatulence problems!

Parky - Either short for Michael Parkinson, a famous chat show host, or more likely a word to describe the weather as being rather cold!

Pass - This means I don't know and comes from the old TV show, Mastermind, where contestants were made to say "pass" if they did not know the answer to the question.

Pavement pizza - Well here the pavement is the sidewalk and a pavement pizza is a descriptive way of saying vomit. Often found outside Indian restaurants early on a Sunday morning.

Peanuts - I hated one of my summer jobs as a kid because it paid peanuts. The full expression is that if you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. It is a fairly derogatory way of saying that manual labour doesn't need to be bright and doesn't need a lot of pay. Typically these days peanuts means something is cheap. For example we would say the petrol in the USA is peanuts or costs peanuts. Compared to our prices it is.

Pear shaped - If something has gone pear shaped it means it has become a disaster. It might be preparing a dinner party or arranging a meeting, any of these things can go completely pear shaped.

Piece of cake - I remember saying it's a piece of cake in front of one of my American friends, who then started looking around for the cake! It means it's a cinch!

Pinch - This means to steal something. Though when you say "steal" it is a bit more serious than pinch. A kid might pinch a cake from the kitchen. A thief would steal something during a burglary.

Pip pip - Another out-dated expression meaning goodbye. Not used any more.

Piss poor - If something is described as being "piss poor" it means it is an extremely poor attempt at something.

Piss up - A piss up is a drinking session. A visit to the pub. There is an English expression to describe someone as disorganised which says that he/she could not organise a piss up in a brewery!

Pissed - This is a great one for misunderstanding. Most people go to the pub to get pissed. In fact the object of a stag night is to get as pissed as possible. Getting pissed means getting drunk. It does not mean getting angry. That would be getting pissed off!

Pissing around - Fooling about, in the sense of messing around or making fun or just being silly. Not terribly polite.

Plastered - Another word for loaded. In other words you have had rather too much to drink down your local. It has nothing to do with being covered with plaster though anything is possible when you are plastered.

Porkies - More cockney rhyming slang. Short for "porky pies", meaning "pork pies". Rhymes with lies. My Mum always used to tell me I was telling porkies! And she was right!

Porridge - Doing porridge means to serve time in prison. There was also a comedy TV series called Porridge about a prisoner starring Ronnie Barker of The Two Ronnies fame.

Posh - Roughly translates as high class, though if you look at Posh Spice there are clearly exceptions to the rule! Comes from the cabins used by the upper class on early voyages from England to India. The coolest (and most expensive cabins) were Port side on the way Out and Starboard on the way Home.

Potty - This isn't just the thing you sit a toddler on - if you are potty it means you are a little crazy, a bit of a looney, one card short of a full deck.

Pound sign - Ever wondered why Brits flounder when voicemail messages say to press the pound sign? What on earth is the British currency doing on a phone anyway? Well, it isn't. To a Brit, the pound sign is the wiggly thing we use to denote the UK pound (orquid), in the same way you have a dollar sign.

Prat - Yet another mildly insulting name for someone. In fact, this one is a bit ruder than pillock so you probably wouldn't say it in front of Grandma.

PTO - This is an abbreviation for "please turn over". You will see it on forms in the UK where you would see the single word over in the USA.

Puff - If a Brit starts giggling in your local drugstore - it may be because they have just found a box of Puffs. To some of us Brits a Puff is another word for a fart. Stems from the cockney rhyming slang, to "Puff a dart".

Pukka - This term has been revived recently by one of our popular young TV chefs. It means super or smashing, which of course is how he describes all his food.

Pull - Me and the lads used to go to the disco when we were on the pull. It meanslooking for birds. Of course, it works the other way round too. The ladies may also be on the pull, though probably a bit more subtly than the chaps!

Pussy - This is what we call our cat, as in "pussy cat", or in the fairytale, Puss in Boots. So if you have a Brit neighbour who asks if you have seen their pussy - try to keep a straight face and think back the last time you saw their cat!

Put a sock in it - This is one way of telling someone to shut up. Clearly the sock needs to be put in their loud mouth!

Put paid to - This is an expression which means to put an end to something. For example you could say that rain put paid to the cricket match, meaning it stopped play.

Queer - Apart from the obvious gay link, this word used to be used a lot to mean someone looked ill. As in "You look queer". Of course you might not say that these days in case you get either picked up, or thumped!

Quid - A pound in money is called a quid. It is the equivalent to the buck or clam in America. A five pound note is called a fiver and a ten pound note is called a tenner.

Quite - When used alone, this word means the same as absolutely!

Rat arsed - Yet another term for drunksloshed or plastered. You might say loaded. In the UK, loaded is a men's magazine that covers sex and football.

Read - If someone asks you what you read at university, they mean what was yourmajor at school.

Really - This is one of those words where you say almost the same thing as us, but just can't be fagged to finish it off. The word is "really", not real. You say things like it's real hot, something's real cool, a baby is real cute. If we said that we would be sent to the back of the class for our grammar - or lack of it!

Redundancy - If you are made redundant it means you are laid off.

Reverse the charges - When you want to ring someone up and you have no money you can call the operator and ask to reverse the charges in the UK. In the US you would call collect.

Right - I'm feeling right knackered. That would mean you were feeling very tired.

Ring - You would ring someone on the phone not call them, in the UK. Try saying "give me a ring" to the next Brit you meet. This does not work well in reverse. I asked someone in a shop to ring me up and he dragged me to the till and pulled my head across the scanner!

Roger - Same kind of problem that Randy has here, except we have people called Roger and no Randys. You will see a strange smile on the face of a Brit every time "Roger the Rabbit" is mentioned!! To roger means to have your wicked way with a lady. My Oxford English Dictionary says to copulate. You might say screw.

Round - When you hear the words "your round" in the pub, it means it is your turn tobuy the drinks for everyone in the group - nothing to do with the size of your tummy! Since beers are more and more expensive these days, the art of buying the rounds has developed into ensuring you buy the first one before everyone has arrived, without being obvious!

Row - Rhymes with "cow" this means an argument. You might hear your Mum having a row with your Dad, or your neighbours might be rowing so loud you can hear them!

Rubbish - The stuff we put in the binTrash or garbage to you. You might also accuse someone of talking rubbish.

Rugger - This is short for "rugby". It is a contact sport similar to your football but played in muddy fields during winter and rain. Not only that, but the players wear almost no protection!

Rumpy pumpy - Another word for hanky panky, or a bit of nookie! Something two consenting adults get up to in private! Theoretically!

Sack/sacked - If someone gets the sack it means they are fired. Then they have been sacked. I can think of a few people I'd like to sack!

Sad - This is a common word, with the same meaning as naff. Used in expressions like "you sad b***ard".

Scrummy - This is a word that would be used to describe either some food that was particularly good (and probably sweet and fattening).

Scrumping - To go stealing - usually apples from someone elses trees!

Send-up - To send someone up is to make fun of them. Or if something is described as being a send-up it is equivalent to your take-off. Like Robin Williams does a take-off on the British accent - quite well actually!

Shag - Same as bonk but slightly less polite. At seventies parties watch the look of surprise on the Englishman's face when an American girl asks him if he would like to shag. Best way to get a Brit to dance that I know! You can even go to shagging classes!

Shagged - Past tense of shag, but also see knackered.

Shambles - If something is a shambles it is chaotic or a real mess. It's also a very old name for a slaughterhouse. So if you ever visit The Shambles in York, then the name does not refer to the somewhat shambolic nature of the buildings; it's a reference to the site it's built on - an old slaughterhouse!

Shambolic - In a state of chaos. Generally heard on the news when the government is being discussed!

Shirty - "Don't get shirty with me young man" was what my Dad used to tell me when I was little. He was referring to my response to his telling off for doing some terrible little boy thing. Like tying my brother to the back of Mum's car or putting my shoes in the toilet. It meant I was getting bad tempered.

Shite - This is just another way of saying shit. It is useful for times when you don't want to be overly rude as it doesn't sound quite as bad!

Shitfaced - If you hear someone saying that they got totally shitfaced it means they were out on the town and got steaming drunk. Normally attributed to stag nights or other silly events.

Shufti - Pronounced shooftee, this means to take a look at something, to take abutchers! It's an old Arabic word, picked up by British soldiers during World War II, in North Africa.

Sixes and sevens - If something is all at sixes and sevens then it is in a mess, topsy turvy or somewhat haywire!

Skew-whiff - This is what you would call crooked. Like when you put a shelf up and it isn't straight we would say it is all skew-whiff.

Skive - To skive is to evade something. When I was a kid we used to skive off school on Wednesdays instead of doing sports. We always got caught of course, presumably because the teachers used to do the same when they were fourteen!

Slag - To slag someone off, is to bad mouth them in a nasty way. Usually to their face.

Slapper - A slapper is a female who is a bit loose. A bit like a slag or a tart. Probably also translates into tramp in American.

Slash - Something a lager lout might be seen doing in the street after his curry - having a slash. Other expressions used to describe this bodily function include; siphon the python, shake the snake, wee, pee, piss, piddle and having a jimmy.

Sloshed - Yet another way to describe being drunk. Clearly we need a lot of ways to describe it since getting plastered is a national pastime.

Smarmy - Another word for a smoothy, someone who has a way with the ladies for example. Usually coupled with "git" - as in "what a smarmy git". Not meant to be a nice expression, of course.

Smart - When we say someone is smart, we are talking about the way they are dressed - you might say they look sharp. When you say someone is smart you are talking about how intelligent or clever they are.

Smashing - If something is smashing, it means it is terrific.

Smeg - This is a rather disgusting word, popularised by the TV show, Red Dwarf. Short for smegma, the dictionary definition says it is a "sebaceous secretion from under the foreskin".

SNAP  - This is the name of a card game where the players turn cards at the same time and shout "snap" when they match. People also say "snap" when something someone else says has happened to them too. For example when I told somebody that mywallet was stolen on holiday, they said "snap", meaning that theirs had too!

Snog - If you are out on the pull you will know you are succeeding if you end up snogging someone of the opposite sex (or same sex for that matter!). It would probably be referred to as making out in American, or serious kissing!

Snookered - If you are snookered it means you are up the famous creek without a paddle. It comes from the game of snooker where you are unable to hit the ball because the shot is blocked by your opponent's ball.

Sod - This word has many uses. My father always used to say "Oh Sod!" or "Sod it!" if something went wrong and he didn't want to swear too badly in front of the children. If someone is a sod or an "old sod" then it means they are a bit of a bastard or an oldgit. "Sod off" is like saying "piss off" or "get lost" & "sod you" means something like "f*** off". It also means a chunk of lawn of course. You can usually tell the difference!

Sod all - If you are a waiter in America and you serve a family of Brits, the tip is likely to be sod all or as you would call it - nothing. Because we don't know about tipping.

Sod's law - This is another name for Murphy's law - whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Sorted - When you have fixed a problem and someone asks how it is going you might say "sorted". It's also popular these days to say "get it sorted" when you are telling someone to get on with the job.

Speciality - This is another one where you chaps drop your "I". when I first sawspecialty written down in the US I thought it was a mistake. But no! We love our I's!

Spend a penny - To spend a penny is to go to the bathroom. It is a very old fashioned expression that still exists today. It comes from the fact that in ladies loos you used to operate the door by inserting an old penny.

Splash out - If you splash out on something - it means you throw your senses out the window, get out your credit card and spend far too much money. You might splash out on a new car or even on a good meal.

Squidgy - A chocolate cream cake would be squidgey. It means to be soft and, well, squidgey!

Squiffy - This means you are feeling a little drunk. Some people also use it to mean that something has gone wrong.

Starkers - Avoid being seen starkers when visiting England. It means stark naked.

Stiffy - Yet another word for erection.

Stone the crows - This is an old expression with the same meaning as "cor blimey".

Stonker - This means something is huge. Looking at the burger you might say "blimeywhat a stonker". It is also used to refer to an erection! Clearly English modesty is a myth!

Stonking - This weird word means huge. You might say "what a stonking great burger" if you were in an American burger joint.

Strop - If someone is sulking or being particularly miserable you would say they are being stroppy or that they have a strop on. I heard an old man on the train tell his wife to stop being a stroppy cow.

Stuff - A recent headline in the New Statesman read "stuff the millennium". Using stuff in this context is a polite way of saying "f*** the millennium". Who cares! Stuff it! You can also say "stuff him" or "stuff her" meaning they can sod off.

Suss - If you heard someone saying they had you sussed they would mean that they had you figured out! If you were going to suss out something it would mean the same thing.

Sweet fanny adams - This means nothing or sod all. It is a substitute for "sweet f*** all". It is also shortened further to "sweet F A".

Swotting - Swotting means to study hard, the same as cram does. Before exams we used to swot, not that it made any difference to some of us. If you swotted all the time, you would be called a swot - which is not a term of endearment!

Ta - We said "ta" as kids in Liverpool for years before we even knew it was short for thanks.

Table - We use this word in exactly the opposite way. To us a motion is tabled when it is brought to the table, or suggested for consideration. You table a motion when it is left for a later date.

Taking the biscuit - If something really takes the biscuit, it means it out-doeseverything else and cannot be bettered. Some places in America they said takes the cake.

Taking the mickey - See taking the piss. Variations include "taking the mick" and "taking the Michael".

Taking the piss - One of the things Americans find hardest about the Brits is our sense of humour. It is obviously different and is mainly based on irony, sarcasm and an in-built desire to "take the piss". This has nothing to do with urine, but simply meansmaking fun of someone.

Talent - Talent is the same as totty. Checking out the talent means looking for the sexy young girls (or boys I suppose).

Tara - Pronounced "churar", this is another word for cheerio or goodbye. Cilla Black, ascouse TV presenter has probably done most to promote the use of this word as she says it all the time on her programmes.

Throw a spanner in the works - This is an expression that means to wreck something.

Tickety-boo - If something is going well with no problems we would say it is tickety-boo.

Tidy - Apart from the obvious meaning of neat, tidy also means that a woman is a looker, attractive or sexy.

To - We go to school from ages 5 to 18. You might go to school from ages 5 thru 18. We don't say thru in that context at all. If we did though, we would say "through"!

Todger - As if we don't have enough of them already, this is yet another word for yourwilly, or penis.

Toodle pip - This is an old expression meaning goodbye. However, I only hear it when Americans are doing impressions of Brits as it has fallen into disuse, along with steam trains and gas lights.

Tool - Yet another word for your willy or penis. You'd think we were obsessed.

Totty - If a chap is out looking for totty, he is looking for a nice girl to chat up. There is an Italian football player called Totti - which is pronounced the same. It's really funny hearing the commentators when he gets the ball saying "it's Totty for Italy". It sounds like some beautiful Italian girlies have invaded the pitch.

TTFN - Short for "ta ta for now". Which in turn means goodbye! Said by older folks and one Radio Two DJ in particular.

Twat - Another word used to insult someone who has upset you. Also means the same as fanny but is less acceptable in front of your grandmother, as this refers to parts of the female anatomy. Another use for the same word is to twat something, which would be to hit it hard. Get it right or I'll twat you over the head!

Twee - Twee is a word you would generally hear older people say. It means dainty orquaint. A bit like the way you chaps think of England I suppose.

Twit - You twit! Not so rude as calling someone an idiot but it amounts to the same thing. Remember Monty Python's "Twit of the Year" competition? Other versions include "nitwit".

Two finger salute - When you see a Brit stick up two fingers at you in a V shape, he may be ordering two of something (if his palms are toward you). The other way around and it's an insult along the lines of your one finger salute. Which, by the way, is very popular here now too!

U - A letter used far more in British. It is in words like colour, favour, labour etc. I think this is why UK keyboards have 102 characters on them instead of your 101, or is it because they have a pound sign on them?

Uni - Short for university, we would say we went to uni like you would say you went toschool. School here is just for kids.

Wacky backy - This is the stuff in a joint, otherwise known as pot or marijuana!

Waffle - To waffle means to talk on and on about nothing. It is not something you eat. Americans often think that Brits waffle on about the weather. The truth of course is that our news reports last 60-120 seconds and the weather man is not hyped up to be some kind of superstar as he is on the TV in the US. If you want to see an example of real waffle watch the weather channel in Texas where there is nothing to talk about other than it is hot and will remain so for the next 6 months. Another example is the ladies who waffle on about anything on the Home Shopping Network. They would probably be classed as professional wafflers!

Wangle - Some people have all the luck. I know some people that can wangle anything; upgrades on planes, better rooms in hotels. You know what I mean.

Wank - This is the verb to describe the action a wanker participates in.

Wanker - This is a derogatory term used to describe someone who is a bit of a jerk. It actually means someone who masturbates and also has a hand signal that can be done with one hand at people that cannot see you shouting "wanker" at them. This is particularly useful when driving.

Watcha - Simply means Hi. Also short for "what do you" as in "watcha think of that"?

Waz - On average, it seems that for every pint of lager you need to go for a waz twice! A complete waste of time in a serious drinking session. It means wee or pee.

Well - Well can be used to accentuate other words. for example someone might be "well hard" to mean he is a real man, as opposed to just "hard". Something really good might be "well good". Or if you were really really pleased with something you might be "well chuffed". Grammatically it's appalling but people say it anyway.

Welly - If you "give it welly", it means you are trying harder or giving it the boot. An example would be when accelerating away from lights, you would give it welly to beat the guy in the mustang convertible in the lane next to you. Welly is also short forwellington boots, which are like your galoshes.

Whinge - Whingers are not popular in any circumstance. To whinge is to whine. We all know someone who likes to whinge about everything.

Willy - Another word for penis. It is the word many young boys are taught as it is a nicer word than most of the alternatives. Some people also use it for girls as there are no nice alternatives. Hence "woman's willy". Also used by grown ups who don't wish to offend (this word is safe to use with elderly Grandparents).

Wind up - This has a couple of meanings. If something you do is a "wind up" it means you are making fun of someone. However it you are "wound up" it means you areannoyed.

Wobbler - To "throw a wobbly" or to "throw a wobbler" means to have a tantrum. Normally happens when you tell your kids they can't have an ice cream or that it's time for bed.

Wonky - If something is shaky or unstable you might say it is wonky. For example I changed my chair in a restaurant recently because I had a wonky one.

Write to - When visiting the US one can't help noticing that you write each other. You don't "write to" each other. Here it would be grammatically incorrect to say "write me" and you would be made to write it out 100 times until you got it right.

Yakking - This means talking incessantly - not that I know anyone who does that now!

Yonks - "Blimey, I haven't heard from you for yonks". If you heard someone say that it would mean that they had not seen you for ages!

Zed - The last letter of the alphabet. The English hate saying zee and only relent with names such as ZZ Top (Zed Zed Top does sound a bit stupid!).

Zonked - If someone is zonked or "zonked out" it means they are totally knackered or you might say exhausted. When a baby has drunk so much milk, his eyes roll into the back of his head, it would be fair to say he was zonked!